highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
