i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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