when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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