I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dick very happy bro
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
