I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
