They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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