just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
