if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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