I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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