It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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