Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
