before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
