I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
