Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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