Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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