toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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