My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
