Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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