Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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