went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
