yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I just put wine in my tea
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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