yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
