I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
