shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
