My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
