I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
