just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
