At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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