I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
