a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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