i just had sex bonerless
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
