I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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