...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
