Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
