I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
