Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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