you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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