either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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