My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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