she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
