He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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