I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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