I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Less talking, more tequila
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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