One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
