PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
