I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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