The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
