I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
