Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
