News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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