So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
