I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
