you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
