Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sext me about skeletons
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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