My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
