this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
