I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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