i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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