There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
