I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
