Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
