She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize